Ok, so having just spent 21 hours this past weekend either on a plane, in an airport, or in a taxi heading to or from an airport, I’ve recently spent lots of time with magazines.
Most articles in these magazines – mostly of the fashion and gossip variety – have included articles on American actresses. (Even in Paris, I kid you not, 95 percent of people on magazine covers are American actresses! The first face that greeted me in Charles de Gaulle airport? Angelina Jolie. The second? Anne Hathaway. Really!
Anyway, speaking of Miss H, I have read at least four magazine articles and seen a couple of TV interviews with her recently, and there is one constant topic of convo for her, aside from her new movie: her ex-boyfriend-turned-convict.
Now, I know, that situation has gotta suck for her, right? You were once in love with a dude, turns out he’s cheating the Catholic Church and other rich people, he sorta blames it on you, because he wanted to impress you because you’re a movie star…. Totally sucks! I get it.
So you know what you should do now? Shut up about it! Seriously. Shut up! I can see addressing the issue a time or two after the whole thing goes down. Anne, you did that on Letterman. I thought you handled it with grace and humor and I gave you props. But now? You can’t shut up about it.
In Vogue you’re saying stuff like: “It’s not a part of my life anymore” and “It’s a complicated situation that has the ability to define me in ways I am not comfortable with.”
But then you say stupid crap that keeps it going, like: “I can go on a date in this [DVF dress]. Oh, my God. That’s such a weird thought!” Ugh.
Hmm, how about: “This is so cute!”?? Because you are a successful, famous woman who is getting Oscar buzz, not some twit defined by the fact that you just broke up with somebody! You know what? Everyone has had a breakup situation that sucks. Don’t be the dope that wears it on her forehead for the rest of her life!
Oh, and don’t get me started on Jennifer Aniston. This trick is trying to make a career out of getting cheated on and dumped by Brangelina. I know – the situation must have sucked. If Angelina stole away my man with her weird, blood-wearing, hexy, puffy-lipped voodoo I’d probably be crushed and angry too. For a while. A few weeks. A month. Two months, maybe.
Jen, that sh*# happened four years ago! And about 17 kids ago! Get the #@&% over it! And for crying out loud, even if you are not over it, stop stalking about it – at least to reporters. Call up Courtney and Coco and cry to them! Make John Mayer play Your Body Is A Wonderland and swear that he wrote it about you. Something. Damn!
That joke you made about you and Brangelina’s UN family troupe going to the Hamptons? Not funny. Sad. Yes. Sad. Focus on something else – maybe, like, your career? The last time I saw one of your movies of my own free volition was The Good Girl. I will see Marly and Me, but trust: it’s because of the dog, not you.
Your co-star got up and walked out of an interview when a reporter alluded to his alleged suicide attempt. You should take note. Stipulate in your contract that when a reporter says so much as “Bra-” or “Ang-” that you reserve the right to throw Smart Water in their face and walk the $&%# out. Just put your foot down already. You can do it.
Come on! Angelina keeps making jabs. Trust me, if I had to see evil troll Clare’s face all over the place and see their kids and see them acting all holier than thou about saving the world (when they’re cheaters living in a giant palace w/ a giant caborn footprint), hear her make comments about how the time when he was CHEATING was actually the time they were falling in love (ie., I love that my kids can see Mr & Mrs Smith bc they can see when their parents fell in love!– puke), I’d be punching back. Lots.
Maybe I’ve got my own issues…
You know, if Jenny just came out from jump street and called Angie a evil devil bitch husband-stealer tramp, I coulda gotten behind that. But you would not make jokes about going to the Hamptons with the spawn of your assclown ex and his little trollop, would you? Something tells me no…