Open letter to Jennifer Westfeldt

Dear Jennifer,

I like you. I mean, I really, really like you. I’ve liked you since Kissing Jessica Stein. I was totally, totally excited when, back in 2003 when I lived in New York, I sat at a booth right next to you and three of your friends at City Diner on the Upper West Side. (Now that I think about it, Jon Hamm was probably one of those friends. Doh!). Anyway, what I’m trying to say is I’m a fan.

So as a fan, I have to extend a little friendly, womanly advice to you. I just caught the red carpet from Sunday’s Emmy Awards on the DVR late  last night. (I’m usually more on top of these things but I’ve been busy). And I became very, very concerned for you when I saw you walk the red carpet wearing this:

Girrrrrl, really. I mean, where did you find that – your Autie Grizelda’s attic? And it was even worse on TV than it is in this picture! Just sad!

Jen, let me clue you in to a little fact that may have somehow eluded you: Every woman on the planet wants your boyfriend – me included! That means you must hit every event with a red carpet – or any color carpet, really – and Work. It. Like. You. MEAN. It!! You cannot make a mistake of looking dowdy or dumpy or plain or Auntie Grizelda-like! Because that opens the door for comparisons that should not be made – like when you stand next to your man and Mariska “Hell Yeah, I’m Jayne Manfield’s Friggin’ Daughter!” Hargitay:

Yeah, see? You do not want that happening.

And you can avoid it, girl! You are beautiful!! And you know how to do it – you did it at last year’s Emmy’s:

See what I’m talking about?! You were smokin’ hot, and you had that look that says: “Yep, my man is hot!  But back the @$&# up, ladies, cuz So. Am. I! Beeyatches.”

Don’t fret. It’s ok. We all make mistakes. Just don’t do it again, Boo.

Much love,

-Elleen